Well certainly emotionally.  I have not been on an actual roller coaster for years. As I have got older I have focused too much on the risks rather than the pleasure of the experience. But it is a huge leap from not wanting to ride a roller coaster to being warned not to as I now fit into the category of someone with a heart condition.

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. I have actually had to take a few days off sick to begin to get my head around it as I was walking around in a daze. For someone that has probably had only about five days off sick in the twenty-four years I have been with my employer taking time off is very alien.

I have experienced a range of feelings. Sometimes I can experience them all in a space of an hour. Firstly, there is the disbelief. How could this have happened to me? All very illogical I know. Why not me? Could I have done anything to prevent it? But everything that I already knew and have subsequently read (I am becoming a bit of an expert) would suggest that I was living a life that protected me against heart disease. This then fuels the anger that I feel towards those that clearly are not interested in looking after their health. Why haven’t they got a life threatening heart condition? Well they may well have. The only way I know is due to  the symptoms I was  experiencing whilst exercising. Perhaps if I had been more of a couch potato the diagnosis may have come too late to do anything about it.

  Perhaps fear is the most distressing emotion. Google can be really useful but sometimes I should just step away from it. I now know that sudden death is a small but significant risk of my condition.  I also know that I am in the lucky 50% who have survived two years with symptoms. But my main fear is the operation. The thought of waking up in ITU with tubes coming out of everywhere is truly terrifying. And of course there is a very small chance I won’t wake up.

 Being diagnosed with a serious health condition can make the world a lonely, dark place. What has been really helpful is talking to a friend who had heart surgery a few years ago. I have only known her for the last two years as a very fit training partner. But over a cup of tea she described her experience including her recovery. And whilst I knew (more google) that the surgery has a very high success rate and that my life expectancy will be returned to normal it was wonderful hearing it from someone that I knew and had been there.

So increasingly optimism is creeping in. And it is most welcome.