One day last week I went to bed a victim but awoke a warrior. I’ve no idea what happened during those six hours but my mindset shifted. 

The day before I had found myself close to tears for much of the day. A number of things had caused this frame of mind and not all related. But it had put me into victim mode. Why do I bother? Shall I just walk away? Am I just a stupid old woman? You can blame a lot on the youth obsessed society we live in. 

The last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym. Going straight home from work to carbs and rubbish viewing was far more appealing. But, of course, I didn’t. It is only a Christmas party or my leg falling off that would stop me going to the gym. So I put my music on, loaded up the barbell and knocked out a few sets. Next to a group of boys lifting less than me. So much for being an old woman.

But I still couldn’t shake the feelings of anger and hopelessness.

The following morning it was as if I had been visited by three ghosts. I felt positive. I wanted to get on with all those things I need to achieve.

Descending into victim mode is not unusual for me. Fortunately it doesn’t happen that often. Usually I feel positive and motivated. I always have goals to achieve, places to visit, things to do. 2020 is looking good. I have a holiday to Mexico booked, a mountain in Ireland to climb, a course in wellness coaching to complete plus my husband’s 60th birthday to plan and celebrate.

Both being a victim and a warrior takes up a lot of energy. But one drains whilst the other invigorates. So why not be a warrior 24/7. If only it was that easy.

When I reflect on why I become despondent, angry, even vengeful it is usually due to believing that I have been undermined, disregarded or ignored. And always to do with those things are feel passionate about. But experience has taught me that I’m often wrong. So I have learnt that the best thing to do is keep my mouth shut until I’m back to being a warrior. When my objectively returns. But occasionally I can’t help myself. And then I either make myself look stupid or make someone else feel as bad. Neither are good.

Of course, being less passionate would help but that isn’t going to happen. For me having passions is what makes life worthwhile. 

So one of my 2020 resolutions is to look at a better way to deal with my victim persona. I am responsible for my own well-being. I am responsible for my own mindset. 

I am a warrior.