A few weeks back I was commencing a coaching session with a client who was not particularly happy with herself as her attempts to lose weight were not going well. What struck me was the language she was using. Losing weight was ‘a fight‘. Keeping on track was a ‘struggle’. If we were two women having a conversation I’d have probably sympathised, possibly emphasised. I’ve certainly been there. But on this occasion I was talking to a coaching client so I reflected back to her the language she was using. She was surprised. She hadn’t noticed how negatively she was talking about the change she wanted to make to her body. I left it there but the next time we met she had reflected on her words and as a consequence was feeling more positive about her weight loss.

It did get me thinking as to the impact of the language that we use to ourselves. When does encouragement become criticism. When does criticism become destructive.

Our bodies are often the focus of our cruel words. Too fat, too thin, too wrinkly, not fast enough, not strong enough. And then the fight metaphors to correct the deficiencies. The fight to lose weight, the battle to put weight on, the struggle to get fit.

We fight the imperfections of our bodies, we fight disease. But fighting can be exhausting. Would we be more successful if the language we used was more encouraging.

A few months ago I wrote a blog on skinny shaming. I wrote it after overhearing a rather offensive ‘compliment’. One woman berating another for losing too much weight. Fat shaming, skinny shaming. Both use language that is offensive and likely to have the opposite effect to the intention of the words.

But whilst most of us wouldn’t dream of using such negative language when conversing with others we don’t think twice about using it against ourselves.

Such language is frequently used in response to serious illness.

Now whilst I have spent most of my life ‘fighting the flab’ I’ve only been seriously ill once.

When I was diagnosed with a heart condition that needed surgery I can’t recall going into fight mode. I blogged about my initial diagnosis, waiting for the operation, recovery. I have revisited those blogs. No fight metaphors.

I did go through went a process of bereavement for the loss of the health I had taken for granted. But I looked after myself. I ate probably the best diet I have ever done. Eating for health is so liberating when the focus isn’t fat loss. I walked in nature. I mentally prepared.

I was going into hospital where a dodgy bit of my body was going to be replaced by a lump of titanium. What was to fight about. I was, however, determined that I would recover well. But maybe if it was a cancer diagnosis I would have viewed it differently. Whilst I had a heart valve that was furring up it possibly doesn’t compare with knowing your body is producing deadly cells.

The language we use has to strike the right balance. Harsh words are unlikely to produce the results we seek in the long run. They are likely to put us under too much pressure and set us up for disappointment (or worse) if we fail. But gentle, passive words could mean we never challenge ourselves. And that’s where life takes place.

So be careful in how you talk to yourself. We motivate and encourage our friends. We fight our enemies. Make sure you are on the right side.