Three months ago I retired from full-time employment. It’s not the retirement I was expecting. How can it be when we are deep into a global pandemic.

My original plan had been to retire on my 62nd birthday in April 2021. Spring. With the whole of the summer to enjoy without the misery of the London Underground commute. But then the coronavirus took over our lives. I no longer had to commute. But after the initial euphoria the realities of working from home set in. Whilst many embraced it I hated it. The endless virtual meetings, no office chitchat, trying to find a place and purpose in a changing world of work.

So I decided to bring my retirement forward even if it meant retiring at the most depressing time of the year. But back when I sent in my letter of resignation it was the middle of June. The days were long and warm and the lockdown restrictions were starting to be eased. Over the summer I enjoyed ‘eat out to help out, a visit to Regents Park open air theatre, catching up with friends. Retirement loomed with the promise of exciting opportunities. A chance to do more of all the things I enjoyed. Travelling, reading, writing, exercising, socialising. And pursuing an encore career.

The reality has not lived up to the dream.

The rain was relentless in October leaving little opportunity to get out and about. Since then London has moved through every tier of COVID restrictionIn. And now there is the suggestion of a Tier 5 which could last until Spring. I can’t even sit in a coffee shop watching the world go by.

But what I’m finding particularly difficult and surprising is that I’m not getting as much pleasure from the things that I can still do. When I was squeezing them around a busy full-time job I yearned for more. Now that I can have more they are not as appealing.

Was retiring a mistake? I don’t think so. I’m not missing work in the way I would have done had I retired in normal times. But I feel a loss of passion and purpose that my work gave me.

Is this just part of the transition into retirement? I had done so much preparation for it but there was always a little niggle that it may not live up to my expectations.

I’ve spoken to my retired friends to see if they experienced similar challenges in the transition from work to retirement. It would seem that even in normal times it can take many months to settle into a new life. And the path may be very windy. The retirement I visualised may be very different from the one I end up with.

I just need to give myself more time. Time to consider what I want my new life to look like. Time to explore new opportunities. Inside my head. And in the outside world when it becomes safe to do so.

At the same time I’m very aware that my predicament may appear rather indulgent. And I feel somewhat guilty for feeling unsettled when others have faced huge struggles through this pandemic. And continue to do so. I don’t have to worry about money, I have a home, a family and my health. Nobody close to me has died or become seriously ill with Covid. Many are not so lucky.

Three months into my retirement I have a lot to be grateful for. The days will start getting longer, the vaccine rollout will reach me in the next few months and a normal life will start to emerge. I just need to decide what ‘normal’ will look and feel like.