Four months ago I retired after forty-four years of employment. It is not the retirement I planned. But our lives aren’t the ones we had a year ago. Who would have ever imagined that our lives would become so constricted. But there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. A chance that my retirement will start living up to expectations in, hopefully, the not the so distant future. However, I’m starting to question what those expectations are.

I brought my retirement forward as I was loving the extra time working from home was giving me. No more 5am starts to prepare for the London commute. But at the same time I hated working through a screen. It made sense to take advantage of one and eliminate the second.

But the life I foresaw back in June when I tendered my resignation is not the one I’m currently living. No days out, no trips away, no leisurely lunches. It feels as if my life is on pause. And pause is not where I want to be. I’m conscious that the retirement I want is dependent on remaining fit and healthy. Something I would have just taken for granted six years ago. Before the need to have heart surgery. Now I always have in the back of my mind that I may need further surgery and may not recover so well next time.

Paused is not where I want to be. But of course we are not paused. Life proceeds albeit at a slower pace. Last week, when I caught myself thinking that I’d wasted the first month of 2021, I wrote down what I had done. My list included two personal bests in my weight training (deadlift, bench press), being in the top 25% in a (virtual) gym challenge, 2 blog posts, zoom calls with friends, the coaching of 2 clients. It didn’t look too shabby once down on paper.

And I am enjoying my laid back mornings. Having the time to read and write. I journal every day. When I was young this would have been called keeping a diary. Incidentally I did keep a diary for two years in my teens. 15-16 if I remember correctly. I showed these diaries to my daughter when she reached a similar age. She never looked at me in the same way after that.

I’ve signed up to be a vaccine volunteer. But I suspect so have thousands of others so that may not come to anything.

I’ve spoken to friends that have retired. Is it normal to feel this way? Or is it due to being in lockdown?

As a professional coach myself I know the value of bringing a third party in to help the focus. So I now have a coach. A friend of a friend who is an experienced executive coach. I’m two sessions in and whilst I’ve not had any life changing moments of clarity I’m feeling more positive about the future and confident that my retirement will start getting more exciting.

Retirement does present a dichotomy. It is sold as a time to spend your time on the things you enjoy. But at the same time it is an opportunity to take on challenges and do things that are scary. Things that you may not enjoy but will be memorable and add to the exuberance of life. I’m a strong believer in the claim that life happens outside your comfort zone. Life’s highs are frequently preceded by the OMG moments.

Four months in my retirement isn’t going to plan. Largely due to the global pandemic but also due to my indecision as to what next.

Am I being to hard on myself. Should I just go with the flow? Or will that flow take away this precious time. Am I overthinking this? Certainly not. The next ten to twenty years could be the most exciting, fulfilling time of my life. I’m not leaving it to chance.